You should know by now that whenever your wife hands you something to read with the suggestion that “this is really an interesting article" you can be assured there is a “message” contained therein just for you my friend. So it was when my wife “suggested” I would really be “interested” in a recent article about Charles Barkley. Actually, I smelled this one coming around the coffee table knowing that King Charles was a most recent spokesman for Weight Watchers. And there he was. And, I must admit amazingly svelte having dropped a smooth 100 plus pounds with a Weight Watchers regimen of sensible eating and exercise. And if you are taking notes, he was big on eating breakfast and drinking at least 64 oz of water every day.
But I have recently learned (don’t ask me how!) that you can literally carry your bad eating habits directly to the grave. Wouldn’t you know that if you are just “too big boned” or “too large framed” yada ,yada for your casket, there’s an App for that! It is called The Jumbo Casket, for those folks who never met a second helping they did not like.. And yes, it is somewhat more expensive. And of course, the Jumbo Casket must be accompanied by it's jumbo companion, "The Jumbo Outer Container". And while there is still the six positions for pall bearers on The Jumbo Casket instead of an embarrassing eight, your selected six should be on the stout side . Moreover, it would be prudent to review your pallbearters most recent stress tests and EKG reports. The only good news (economically speaking) is that the hole and the attendant cost for digging same does not increase. Go figure.
I have also learned (don’t ask me how…again ) that one of the first secondary insider questions asked by funeral personnel sent to retrieve your body upon death, is ( to quote Roy D. Mercer) “Well Just how big an ole boy was he ? ) . Then there are the usual questions of whether there is a second floor or basement to be traversed. It’s pretty much like the volunteer church movers’ question about whether there is a piano involved and if so if it is located in a basement or on a second floor.In other words, the last words spoken by your beloved pallbearers will be "Whew! ", "Holy Moly", or something more direct. Just say’n !
So for those folks who say you can’t take it with you, well you actually can… and pay extra for the privilege!.
Further Affiant Sayeth Not
