Things you know, but wish you did not...

 

You should know by now that whenever your wife hands you something to read with the suggestion that “this is really an interesting article" you can be assured there is a “message” contained therein just for you my friend. So it was when my wife “suggested” I would really be “interested” in a recent article about Charles Barkley. Actually, I smelled this one coming around the coffee table knowing that King Charles was a most recent spokesman for Weight Watchers. And there he was. And, I must admit amazingly svelte having dropped a smooth 100  plus pounds with a Weight Watchers regimen of sensible eating and exercise. And if you are taking notes, he was big on eating breakfast and drinking at least 64 oz of water every day. 

But I have recently learned (don’t ask  me how!) that you can literally carry your bad eating habits directly to the grave. Wouldn’t you know that if you are just “too big boned” or “too large framed” yada ,yada for your casket, there’s an App for that!  It is called The Jumbo Casket, for those folks who never met a second helping they did not like.. And yes, it is somewhat more expensive.  And of course, the Jumbo Casket must be accompanied by it's jumbo companion,  "The Jumbo Outer Container". And while there is still the six positions for pall bearers on The Jumbo Casket instead of an embarrassing eight, your selected six should be on the stout side . Moreover, it would be prudent to review your pallbearters most recent stress tests and EKG reports. The only good news (economically speaking) is that the hole and the attendant cost for digging same  does not increase. Go figure.

I have also learned  (don’t ask me how…again ) that one of the first secondary insider questions asked by funeral personnel sent to retrieve your body upon death, is ( to quote Roy D. Mercer)  “Well Just how big an ole boy was he ? ) . Then there are the usual questions of whether there is a second floor or basement to be traversed.  It’s pretty much like the volunteer church movers’ question about whether there is a piano involved and if so if it is located in a basement  or on a second floor.In other words, the last words spoken by your beloved pallbearers will be "Whew! ", "Holy Moly", or something more direct.  Just say’n !

So for those folks who say you can’t take it with you, well you actually can… and pay extra for the privilege!.

Further Affiant Sayeth  Not

It's so hard to say good-bye

She  was two years old in 1997 in when I first saw her in a small cage just outside the rescue shelter. I circled the block to see her again because I was "just looking". But when I saw those big  brown eyes , I knew she was  going home with me.  At the time, we were both in need of rescue. She was timid, shy and unfortunately prone to car sickness. Over the years she outgrew her motion sickness. From that point on, riding anywhere in the car became the highlight of her day. She knew which places dispensed dog treats, and slobbered all the way to Starbucks, the  bank and the cleaners with doggy anticipation.

She was our family pet, but she was my dog. When I was home, she followed me everywhere just so she could be in the same room with me. And yes, we had our sappy little rituals. She had to go outside at 5:30 every morning  just so she could sniff the usual spots in the yard. Because when  you are a dog, you just never know who may have stopped by to pee on the mailbox between late night and early morning. After  morning rounds, she would get up in the chair with me and   roll over onto her on her back while I read the newspaper. All 75 pounds of her! I could read the paper and scratch her at the same time. If reading  the paper received more attention than scratching, she would swat the paper with a paw to remind me about the priority of the two activities.

 She rode in the back seat of my pick up and hung her head over my shoulder so she could experience the full effect riding in the truck with me. I knew people often stared, but I didnt care.  She would also nuzzle the back of my head when it was time to hang her head out the back window.  She learned  commands of “sit” “stay” and “heal” in 45 minutes. From that time forward, she could be walked and managed without a leash. We never had to discipline her. She instinctively knew the rules of engagement.  Just raising your voice or pointing your index finger in her direction would upset her to the point of having to “make up”. Even though she loved to snuggle, we had a rule she could not sleep in the bed with us. That rule lasted for one day, and she slept with us for the next ten years. We also took all those goofy dog photos that make non pet people cringe including reindeer ears at Christmas, photos with Santa at Petsmart, and others to embarrassing to admit. She was a part of our family.

Regardless of the day or what I wore, she always knew if I was going to work, or if the trip to the garage involved errands.  She would position herself by the garage door with those big brown eyes campaigning silenlty to be included in the errand.

As the years passed, she became more loving  but less active. When we were told three weeks ago that her persistent  limp was actually the result of  severe and aggressive cancer, we were devastated.We were crushed when the Vet said we could expect debilitating pain and suffering in as little as two weeks. We did the the only thing we could do. It was so hard

But our family  received 17 years of  unfailing love, companionship and devotion. She was our sweetheart. When the time came, she just slipped away into a deep and forever sleep, I know it’s silly to say, but I feel like a part of me is gone. We had photos with her on her last day. Our son held her with a pillow that said,”I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am”. That only reinforced the magic of our mutual bond. Even now, I  still walk into our home half expecting and half hoping to  see her looking around one of  the corners of her favorite spots. It’s so hard to say good-bye.

"Goldie" was 17 years young when she left. She is forever gone, but forever present.